UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

RISK

 

June 22, 2000

Jamey B Sarn

 

Fair warning, friends. This is going to be an all-over-the place posting. I’m trying to work through where I’m at and I’m grasping at loose ends to do it.

 

Do you ever have days where literally everything pisses you off? Especially people who seem to be living charmed lives. I read today that Chris Evert married Greg Norman. Tennis Star Weds Golf Legend. It just ticked me off. Sometimes I think there is only so much good fortune to go around.  Every time someone else cashes in my share drops. Haven’t those two already had their share and then some?

 

Maybe it was my dark side in ascendance. I took some big risks today. I pushed G. hard about Sahara and she went down for the count for a few minutes. I hate to admit it but I liked seeing her vulnerable and exposed. How does love get twisted into that shape?

 

The problem is I don’t know what is good for G. anymore because she has changed into someone I don’t recognize. My G. is that beautiful woman who turned heads everywhere she went but never thought of taking advantage of it. The G. I’m living with now is driven and calculating and has learned to work the system.

 

I’m thought-shifting again. Stay with me.

 

Tonight, when I saw G.’s silhouette in the window, it came back to me how much their profiles look alike. Truth be told I’d rather not remember because it forces me to confront what I’ve lost and whether or not I’m dealing with it the way I should. Is there any right way to deal with something like that? Probably not but there are endless wrong ways.

 

Back to the risk thing again. The path I’ve taken has landed me in a place I never thought I’d be in. If I do this thing I’m contemplating there may be no turning back. Am I willing to wager everything that matters against the odds that it’s the right thing to do?

 

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

William Butler Yeats, “The Second Coming”

 

There is no tragedy in life like the death of a child.

Things never get back to the way they were.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

 

When all else fails, quote your heroes and let them carry the weight.