Bryan’s Blog: IN-BETWEEN
IN-BETWEEN
June 19, 2000
Jamey B Sarn
Thanks, Anne, for your insights into why people put memorials at the spot where their loved one died. I’m seeing more and more of them along the roadside. It always seemed strange to me to commemorate where a tragedy occurred. But I can see what you’re saying about feeling connected to the place where their soul left their body.
I went back to that unholy ground myself tonight. Have you heard about this Drug Free Rave Series? Somehow I felt I had to check it out even though G. was livid at the idea. Believe me, she’s like a dog on a bone when she sets her mind against something.
I had an almost out-of-body experience when I got close to the stadium and was surrounded by the Ravers. (Is that what they’re called?) I didn’t realize I had committed to memory every detail of that night. Every look that passed between the cops who came to tell us. The moment they pulled back the sheet. G.’s face when I had to tell her.
God help me, I’ll never, never be able to erase that night of a thousand hours from my mind. It still feels like just yesterday and I guess it always will. Is it like that for all of you?
But I’m rambling. What I really wanted to bounce off you is something else I experienced. I met the woman who came up with the idea and twisted a whole lot of arms to make it happen. I felt an immediate psychic connection with her. Is that weird? Maybe some kind of transference?
Mind you, I was pretty spaced out with all the flashbacks in my head. Maybe anyone who reached out to me would have had that effect. Still, there was something uncommon about her although it’s hard to put my finger on it.
Anyway, here’s my dilemma. If I do anything that even implies I’m supporting the Raves, I’ll be putting even more distance in-between myself and G. How much further apart can the two of us get before one of us crosses a line the other one can’t accept?
Seems like I’m always stuck this in-between dilemma. In-between G. and the memory of Sahara. Now in-between hope and doubt. Which one am I supposed to listen to? I can’t afford to get it wrong. I’ve already lost one of the lights in my life. I can’t deal with losing another one. I’m not that strong.