UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

OUTED

 

September 11, 2000

Jamey B Sarn

 

Well, I guess I’ve been outed although not in the usual sense of that term. I expect some of you saw the news coverage of the Rave press conference or the cover of The Star today. No doubt you’ve put two and two together and pieced together who I really am.

 

I owe you an explanation for why I’ve been hiding behind an anagram. It’s simple really. I didn’t want G. to know about my blog. If she did I couldn’t have shared the struggles in our relationship which I needed to do. If I had used my real name then anybody could have Googled me and landed here.

 

So I apologize for the deception and hope you understand my motivations. I’m at your mercy now. I’m hoping the rapport we’ve built will be strong enough that you’ll allow me to keep my web identity.

 

Jamey

 

 

September 11, 2000

Jamey B Sarn

 

I don’t usually post twice in one day. But I’m amazed how quickly so many of you responded to my earlier posts. Thank you for your understanding. I’m truly moved by your support and kind words.

 

I have a dilemma I need your help with. It’s a good news, bad news scenario. I’m feeling hope for the first time in a very long time. But G. is not a part of it. The hope is coming from someplace I never expected. If I respond to it, does it mean I’m giving up on us? Am I accepting that we’ll never get back to where we were?

 

I still love G. and I can’t imagine my life without her. But more and more it seems like I’m clinging to a part of her that doesn’t exist anymore. She slammed the door on that part of her life that includes me. I’m just a ghost from her past.

 

From the beginning G. and I have coped with grief differently. She stares it down to keep it at bay. I can’t do that. I have to live inside it and make peace with it. Now I’m finding a way to do that but it’s driving an even bigger wedge between G. and I. If I go much farther in that direction, I might be burning my bridges.

 

I just feel like I’m done with waiting. Four years is enough, isn’t it? It’s time for me to start living again whatever the consequences. Is that selfish?

 

Jamey