Bryan’s Blog: CHESS
CHESS
September 14, 2000
Jamey B Sarn
Frank, I can tell by the way you’re dancing around it that you know the lay of the land. Probably many of you do. So I’ll come clean. Yes, I’m having an affair. I realize that any one of you could bust me to G. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.
G. knows anyway. I’m certain of that. That should be reason enough to make me end it, wouldn’t you think? I would if she’d confront me with it face to face. But she has gone through the back door and made a chess game out of it.
That’s what we’ve come to now. Daring each other to make the next move. It’s like the first person who miscalculates and gets cornered has to wave the white flag. Then the other person gets to play the martyr.
I can imagine the question you’re all burning to ask. What would happen if the situation were reversed? What if G. was cheating on me? Truthfully, I don’t think I could look the other way. I’d be so insanely jealous I’d be out of my mind. The truth is I’ve always been afraid of losing her. I’ve always had this secret fear that I’m not good enough for her.
Maybe I’m just doing this to battle my insecurity. To prove to myself that I am good enough for her. If someone else wants me enough to play the infidelity game with me, that means I really do deserve someone like G.
But here’s the thing: If it was just about proving a point, or about striking back at G. for pulling away, would I still be doing it? Either one might explain why I went down this road but neither can explain why I’m still on it. When you add it all up, the pluses and minuses, it seems like there’s something more than just a casual affair going on here.
The bottom line is this: There’s going to be pain involved whether I keep it going or break it off. I passed the turning back point a ways back. Our kings are facing off now. I think I have to play it out for better or for worse.
Call me out if you think I’m weaseling here. I really have no perspective at all at this point.