Jayce’s Diary: PEACE
PEACE
Audio
I didn’t think the end of my life would happen this way. Peaceful and slow like the sun going down over the lake at the cottage. I always pictured myself fighting down to the last breathe. Guns blazing and running flat out trying to keep ahead of the midnight man.
This is the last time I’m going to see Katherine’s face until her time comes and who knows how long that will be. A bloody good long time, I hope. She’s all Samantha and Michael-John have now. If they had to lose one of us, far better that it’s me.
I’d mortgage my soul for one last look in her eyes. Just one more chance to look there and see that she still loves me. But that’s not in the cards. I had my chances and I squandered them over and over again.
I hate that I’m leaving her with so damn much to cope with. Michael-John is probably never going to be able to hear and I’m to blame for that. If anybody’s genetics are screwed up, it would have to be mine. Look what I became.
But she’ll cope. The truth is she’s stronger than I ever was. She always believed that she was leaning on my strength and I was happy to let her go on living that myth. It might have been true the first couple of years. But the day Sarah died the balance shifted. Ours was always a delicate balance and it started to go south that day.
That was the day I started turning her into Kat. Squeezing her into a tighter and tighter space so she couldn’t get away from me. Little did I know that in the process I was losing her.
I can see there’s not much time left. I’m starting to feel it pull me away. I’m not sure I deserve to go this peacefully with the things I’ve done.
But I guess in the end it’s not about what we did wrong. What matters is who we tried to be. In-between the screwing up and the always wanting more, I did do some pretty damn good things. I made Katherine happy for a few years. I fathered two fantastic kids. Not a half bad legacy in the grand scheme of things.
So here I am dying with Katherine at my side. The anger is gone and I feel a peace I never found in life. What more could I ask for than that?