UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

ROCKS

Audio

Triplets – what are the odds? I could have lived without hearing that story. Serves me right for turning over another rock in our dysfunctional family history. But there was more to that day I’ll never speak about. Stuff I’ll take to my grave.

I knew I had to get rid of that rifle so dad wouldn’t be tempted again. I hiked two miles out of town to the abandoned, flooded quarry with the gun wrapped in a burlap bag. But when I got there it seemed important that I fire the rifle before I threw it in. Some kind of rite of initiation into manhood.

There was a stray dog skulking around. It shocked me that I hit it clean and killed it. I started to cry at what I’d done but there was nobody to console me. So I swallowed the hurt, tossed the rifle in and the dead dog right after it. My childhood ended that day.

But that’s water under the bridge. You don’t get to choose your life. You just have to square up your shoulders and carry on. That’s what I did. I chose to carry the weight that dad couldn’t. I didn’t know I was choosing to dance with the devil.

Still, it’s inexcusable to let it get loose like it did today. It’s the same old story. A rock flies at me out of nowhere and everything goes haywire. Thank God I got away before the shrapnel started to fly. I haven’t had an episode like that in a long time.

I had another visit from my midnight nemesis last night. The same sequence of events again except that this time I was on the verge of remembering who he was. I was this close. My memory was just syncing up with reality when damn it all I woke up again.

There was one other new thing. Some strange techno music was playing just before I woke up. Off in the distance a bit but not far. Another clue. Seems like that’s how it’s going to be. One rock turned over at a time until I see what’s at the bottom of the pile. I don’t really want to know but it’s probably something else I have no choice about.

All I know for sure is that my life becomes more transparent every day. Kat is the beginning and the end of who I am. There’s just nothing left for me if I lose her. How do I live with that hanging over my head every day just waiting for the other shoe to drop? And waiting for the midnight man to play the ace up his sleeve. Maybe he found the rifle.