Jayce’s Diary: FIGHT
FIGHT
Audio
My life seems to keep coming around to these make-it-or-break-it days when my back is to the wall and I have to fight my way out. So be it. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I can deal with anything except being alone.
Starting from scratch at this point in my life was not in the game plan. But hell, Sarah dying was not in the plan. MJ being deaf was not in the plan. Kat leaving me was damn sure not in the plan. The plan has gone all to hell so I’ve got to build a new one.
I’m still half on the bubble about telling Kat who I really am. My greatest fear has always been that she would find out. But the cat is already out of the bag after I lost it in front of her. It isn’t a question of choice anymore.
The midnight man was half right. I can’t run from it because like it or not it’s part of who I am. Jekyll and Hyde. Maybe it lives in everybody. I just don’t have the switch to turn it off.
But what the midnight man doesn’t understand is how much I have to fight for. I may be a walking time bomb but there is something in me stronger than that urge. I love my wife. I love my kids. I’d walk through fire for them. Maybe I’ll always be on the edge but they’re what keep me on this side of the line.
It’ll be a huge relief not to have to carry that secret. It has been weighing me down for almost my whole life. I thought I had to keep it buried to defeat it but now it’s all turned around. I think it controls me because I keep it buried. Once it’s out in the open all that will change.
I can never be sure. The midnight man will always be whispering in my ear. But I’ve come to a point where I have to take that risk. I can’t see clearly what is ahead of me because the road curves. I don’t know what is around the next bend but whatever it is has to be better than where I am now.
I just can’t run from it anymore. Running from it almost cost me the most important things in my life: Kat, Sam and MJ. Without them I can’t hold out against it. I’ve got to stop running and face the music.
It’s time to square up my shoulders again and take back what belongs to me. I won’t let go of what I’ve fought so hard to get. This will be the defining moment in my life. The day I stopped living a lie and started fighting for the life I want.