UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

WAVES

 

 I never realized how many waves one death can cause. Waves of guilt – those are mine. Waves of anger – those are Grace’s. Waves of retribution – those belong to the people who did this to him. We all share the waves of grief in the ocean of death.

 

I’m free now. I got what I wanted. But oh Lord what a price to pay. I’m not sure there is such a thing as freedom once you give your heart away.

 

 I did try. I gave him every opportunity I could afford to make things right. I waited all summer but he just kept getting more and more distant. Then that night came when the tidal wave hit. He ran away from me rather than face what he had done.

 Still I’ll forever regret all that time I wasted sitting on the porch waiting for him to come. All that time he was dying little by little but holding on waiting for me to get there. How tragically ironic. We were waiting for each other for all the wrong reasons. Holding on until we had the other person’s permission to let go.

 

Nicholas. He’s out there somewhere at the other end of a Blackberry waiting for a phone call or a text message. If I leave him hanging too long he might come to his senses and realize he’s better off without me. What does he need with a mother-child photographer who played games with his heart?

 

 

I have no idea what I want from him or if I want anything at all. Just thinking about him makes me feel foolish. But there’s a faint echo deep down below the water line of grief. A sonar pulse beneath the waves that waits for a reply. It might be no, it might be yes or something in-between. It simply has to wait for the clouds to clear.

 

 

I owe Jayce unfettered grief now. For the good years, for the children he gave me and because he waited for me before he let his spirit go free. There is still so much about him I don’t understand. But maybe we’re not meant to understand everything. Maybe love is having faith when understanding fails.