Katherine’s Photo Journal: FISHING
FISHING
I wish I had never taken this photograph – the two of them sitting there together like all is right with the world. Every time I study it I know they’re inseparable. There’s a life line between them neither of them can do without.
I’m not putting that photo in this journal. It will haunt me too much. So I’ll back up a step. Fishing is my theme today. Not so much the literal but the metaphor behind it. Hemingway – The Old Man and the Sea.
Awhile back I gave Nicholas that challenge. You’re Santiago. 84 days without catching a fish. You’ve gone out into the ocean farther than ever before. The Marlin pulls you for two days and two nights before giving up the ghost. You’ve defeated the curse. But sharks devour the Marlin down to the skeleton. Show me how that feels.
It took him fifteen minutes to transport himself there but he did it. One of his best performances ever. I think he almost forgot I was there. I only took a few photos. It seemed obscene to disturb him. That was the first time I saw him differently. Not a boy but a man who just might make love to me if I gave him the chance.
What has that got to do with today? I guess I feel like Santiago. I’ve gone too long without what I need. I’ve ventured out so far in search of it I don’t know if I can find my way back. Maybe Jayce is the Marlin? I’m tired to the bone but I just can’t let go.
And then too, there’s tomorrow when we get the diagnosis for Michael-John. What if there’s a serious problem? I can’t even wrap my head around all the permutations of that possibility. But here is a better question. Why have Jayce and I not talked about that scenario? It’s like we don’t even want to consider that thought.
There’s a voice in my head that says the real reason is there is too much distance between us to talk about something that frightening. We’re just skimming along the surface of our marriage in perpetual denial. I’m almost hoping for something shocking tomorrow to blow everything apart. How terrible is that?
