UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

GENETICS

 

 

In my heart I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn’t want to believe it. Things like that happen to other people’s children but not mine. But when Dr Forsythe told us I could hear that voice ringing in my head: You knew and you did nothing about it.

 

If it was a random thing, it would be so different. Not easier or better – God, no – but it wouldn’t cut half so deep. But it’s genetic and that sets off alarm bells all over the place.

 

 

I’ve seen him angry before. I’ve seen him fight his emotions but this was different. Did he plan it that way? Was it all an act to manipulate me? I don’t think so. I really think he lost his grip on himself. I suppose in some way that’s what I wanted – for once to see him vulnerable. To know that he’s capable of coming undone at the seams like me.

 

Either way he got what he wanted. I took back what I said. But can you really take that kind of thing back? Once it’s out there, isn’t it etched in stone for all time? Like blood on the sidewalk that you can never wash off.

 

  

 

Now I stand here watching him sleeping and I realize it again. I’m still crazy in love with him. I want to leave him. I have to leave him. How I love him has changed – all the way down to the DNA level – but not how much I love him.

 

Nicholas. I have to get him here as soon as possible. I need to download all of this into him so I can step back from it. See it through the lens so I can dissect it and see what it’s made of. But why am I thinking of him at a time like this?

 

Michael-John is deaf. What if genetics caught up with me?