UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

NEED

 

I can’t compete in this psychological tug of war. I just can’t sleep without Jayce beside me. Having him there started out as passion, migrated into contentment and eventually slid into the gravitational pull of seven year’s of habit.

 

Not that it makes a difference tonight. I couldn’t sleep even with him next to me. Too many thoughts spinning in my head. Too many questions that don’t have answers. My head is like dad’s maple tree – full of squawking “why” birds that won’t go away.

 

So, of course, I end up back here in my study keeping company with my photos. I’ve been attempting lately to personify need. This is the best I’ve come up with so far.

 

 

It’s a slippery thing because it exists somewhere between love and hate. It’s why love holds on long past the time that it should. Desire dries up but need has deeper roots.

 

The paradox I’m grappling with is that I still need Jayce even when he doesn’t have what I need anymore. Need, I think, is why you keep on hoping even when it feels like there’s no reason to anymore – although I suppose that’s more faith than hope. Faith takes over when hope runs out of steam.

 

More attempts. No better but together they speak.

 

 

 

 

I had another session with Nicholas today. I told him I wanted to see what need looks like. He nailed as always but I couldn’t capture it. I couldn’t get under his skin.

 

The strange thing is he refused to let me pay him. He said if I wasn’t happy with the photos I shouldn’t have to pay him. But I think that was just a smokescreen. He seemed almost reluctant to leave and I don’t know what to make of that.

 

But back to the theme. How did I get myself trapped inside this Chinese box of need? Is there something that I’m not seeing? If there’s a rainbow on the other side of the clouds I’d like nothing better than to find it. But this isn’t a fairy tale – it’s my life.

 

 

More than anything else I need a full breath of fresh air. One that’s not tainted with all the scents of the past. Just one breath from a fresh wind across the water to clear my head and give me the courage to follow my heart. One breath – is that so much to ask?