UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

BONFIRE

 

 The last 24 hours have been like a huge bonfire fuelled by years of illusion, deception and willful ignorance. I knew I was striking the match but I didn’t know the tinder was so dry. There was so much I didn’t see the depth of.

 

 

Last night when Jayce self-destructed and glass was flying everywhere, I knew my world had changed forever. Absolute and final like a bolt of lightening that splits a tree in half. All the bridges burned with me on one side and him on the other.

 

But, even as the thunder echoes from that moment, I can see that we’re far from being finished. It doesn’t matter that he’s not the person I thought he was. There are still so many things to untangle. So many first steps to be taken.

 

I have to start my life all over again practically from scratch. It’s not going to be an easy road raising two children – one of them deaf – on my own. Could that be the great thing I was meant to do? Rise from the ashes of this bonfire and salvage a decent life for Samantha and Michael-John.

 

 

The memory key. Thank God I remembered it. I’ve suspected for awhile that Jayce was snooping around my files. How else do you explain how my self-portrait went missing? If he found the key with the Nicholas photos he would automatically assume something was going on. And there was – even if I don’t know what to make of it.

 Somehow, I have no idea how, Nicholas found out that I left. He has started leaving me messages two or three times a day. What happened? Where are you? Why won’t you call me back? Please Katherine, I’m going out of my mind with worry.

 

 

It’s crazy but I desperately want to see him. But Lord, Lord, Lord – not right now. Sparks are landing everywhere. I can’t let one land on him until I can think straight again. I sent him a text message. I’m sorry. Be patient. I’m okay. I’ll call when the smoke clears.

 

So much about this is unfinished. I’m exhausted but there are miles to go before the bonfire burns out. And weeks – maybe months or even years – before I can hold up my head and say: It’s over. I’m not his anymore.