UNTIL THE DEEP WATER STILLS

FEATHER

 

 

 

Who I am entitled to be angry at? The kids at the Rave who attacked Jayce? Maybe, but it could be – after that night he blew up – that he provoked them. The next person in the sequence of events is Faith. But she’s a victim too so she’s exempt.

 

Then there’s Jayce himself. I so want to be angry at him for doing something so utterly unpredictable and getting himself killed. But I can’t because I drove him to it by walking out on him. That leaves me. I’m the only guilty person who doesn’t have mitigating circumstances.

 

Nicholas, do you think I’m guilty?

 

I wish I had Grace’s clarity. She’s very clear on who her villain is. It was like a cold breeze swept through the room when she talked about Faith. There is certainly no room for forgiveness there.

 

That moment when we connected, I understood Grace for the first time and I felt a window of hope open. But the problem is its hope without anything to attach it to like a feather on the breeze that could land anywhere for no good reason.

 

Nicholas, are you the good reason?

 

That’s the way it is now. Nothing is what it seems. Every time I think I’m beginning to make sense of even one thing, it turns itself inside out and there’s chaos again. What I feel over here contradicts what I see over there.

 

The only thing I know for certain is that Jayce isn’t gone. I feel him everywhere lingering like that homeless feather. The truth is I feel closer to him now than I did for the last year he was alive. How terrible is that? He had to die for me to find him again. It’s that feather thing again. Everything is the opposite of what it should be.

 

I just want to bury it all for awhile and find a rock to hide under. What is the sense of rehashing the same unanswerable questions over and over and over. I can’t take it anymore today. To hell with it all. I’ll take a couple of Valium and just sleep for awhile.

 

Nicholas, are you still wating?