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Anti-New Years Resolutions: The Donald, Dumbass Drivers and Voracious Vampires

December 31st, 2016 by Michael Dyet

Hmmm, will this be the year I finally settle on New Year’s resolutions I can keep?

I am not by and large inclined to make New Year’s resolutions. I have tried to do so a few times in the past and pretty much always flamed out on them before the calendar turned on January.

This year, I’ve decided to make some anti-resolutions on the premise that I am more likely to be able to keep them. Record them if you choose so you can keep me honest.

I resolve not to engage in any discussions, ethical debates or oh-my-God-did-he-really conversations about The Donald as he assumes the reins of power in the United States. No matter how outrageous, alarming or downright mind-boggling his actions prove to be, I will refrain from expressing an opinion on them.

Except in months with an “r” in the name and between 6:00 and 8:00 pm.

I resolve not to rant, rave or utter strings of four letter words at dumbass and brain-dead drivers who believe they own the road and the rest of us should get out of their way.

Except when those dumbasses are driving blue, green, black, white, silver or red vehicles.

I resolve not to bitch and complain about the Leafs, or Mike Babcock’s big-ass salary, or overpaid and pampered NHL players who cannot hit a 6’ x 4’ target on a breakaway, when the Leafs fail to make the playoffs again this season.

Except on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Saturday and every other Thursday.

I resolve not to roll my eyes and mute the sound button on my television when a commercial, the cost of which could feed a family of five for an entire year, insults my intelligence or just plain annoys the crap out of me.

Except for commercials advertising cars, electronics, clothing, fast food or television series about werewolves, zombies or voracious vampires.

I resolve not to be exasperated by the bickering of overpaid, self-absorbed politicians who disagree on principle with everything the other party members say, do, might have done, might possibly do or allegedly said under the influence of pharmaceuticals.

Except for the ones that really, really, really annoy me or show their face on the evening news too often or misuse Twitter for their own ends.

And finally, I resolve not to waste metaphors on any of the above at any time under any circumstances whatsoever so help me God.

Except for The Donald. I get to have at least one bad habit, don’t I?

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at or the novel online companion at

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