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Michael's Metaphors of Life Journal

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Cyber Security, Password Paranoia and Albino Monkeys

January 28th, 2017 by Michael Dyet

Hmmm, isn’t technology supposed to save us time and make us more productive?

I’m starting to question that concept. With all the cyber security doors I have to pass through, password paranoia and the unrelenting barrage of e-mails, I think we have crossed a threshold where the law of diminishing returns kicked in. A typical morning at work for me.

Michael: (Yawn) Hope the system doesn’t fubar today.

Cyber Security Guard: Enter encryption user name and password.

Michael: Yeah, I know. I can’t be trusted to be who I say I am. tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap

Cyber Security Guard: Authorized to use this device. You may proceed.

Michael: No strip search? Guess I got off lucky today.

Cyber Security Guard Enter system user name and password. Password must be different than encryption password.

Michael: Yeah, tell me something I don’t know. tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap

Cyber Security Guard: Authorized to access the system. You may proceed.

Michael: Damn right I’m authorized. I was here before you even existed, cyber mall cop.

Cyber Security Guard: Enter Call Pilot password. Must be different from system password.

Michael: Bite me. tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap.

Cyber Security Guard: You may now access telephone messages through Outlook.

Michael: Yeah, like I would ever want to do that.

Cyber Security Guard: Your password will expire in 10 days. Create new password.

Michael: (Groan) Have three months gone by already? Not today. I’ll do it tomorrow. Maybe. Better check to see if anything important was posted on web portal XYZ.

Cyber Security Guard: Enter user name and password.

Michael: (Expletive deleted) tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap.

Cyber Security Guard: Answer security question. What planet are you from?

Michael: (Double expletive deleted) tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap.

Cyber Security Guard Pluto is the right answer. View the image below. How many of the squares contain albino monkeys that look like Lady Gaga?

 Michael: Seriously? What’s next? Retain scans? tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap

 Cyber Security Guard Five is the right answer. You may enter web portal XYZ.

 Michael: Oh joy, oh bliss. I can enter the hallowed kingdom. So what’s new? Not much, it seems. Let’s log off and get to work… Crap! How did 15 e-mail messages arrive while I was checking that site? Better go through them and respond. tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap. Crap! How did 12 more e-mail messages arrive while I was responding to the first 15? tap tap tap tap tap tap, tap, tap. Oh, come on! Now you’re going to freeze on me? Stupid #$&@?$ thing. Screw it, its lunch time anyway.

Enter the metaphor contest. Make up your own technology metaphor. The most ironic metaphor earns you the right to bash your laptop with a Louisville Slugger.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog

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