mdyetmetaphor.com

Michael's Metaphors of Life Journal

mdyetmetaphor.com header image 2

E-mail Mania: Going Bat Crap Crazy in the Digital Age

March 10th, 2018 by Michael Dyet

email maina

Hmmm, is it a done deal that I will be done-in by e-mail mania?

In a strange incident that investigators are calling a sign of the times, the first verifiable death-by-e-mail occurred this week. Details are still sketchy but information released to date indicates a worker was killed at his place of employment under unusual circumstances.

 Co-workers reported they observed Joe Smith, at 6:15 pm on Friday evening, red-faced, hunch-backed and muttering incoherently as he hammered obsessively at his keyboard. One co-worker reported, on the condition of anonymity, hearing Smith exclaim “I’m going to finally get to the end of this unread e-mail list even if it kills me.”.

 A worker arriving early Monday was greeted by a grisly scene. Smith’s battered body was on the floor of his workstation. His laptop was reduced to rubble around him.

 Unconfirmed reports indicate that the &/7 and @/2 keys were embedded in the victim’s forehead, the caps lock key was wedged firmly in one nostril and the ctrl, fn and alt keys were lodged in his left ear.

 Investigators declined to comment on the case saying it is an investigation in progress. However, confidential informants report that investigators are pursuing two theories.

 Theory 1: The victim’s laptop overheated, during an aggressive assault on his unread e-mails list, became locked in a delete-undelete-delete loop and blew apart with deadly force.

 Theory 2: The victim experienced the rare and little known Spontaneous Exploding Head Syndrome (SEHS) brought on by dehydration, muscle fatigue and mental stress. The resulting expulsion of brain matter took out the victim’s laptop.

 The victim’s employer distanced the company from responsibility, reporting that the victim – while a valuable employee – had become increasingly obsessed with his e-mail inbox. “He basically wigged out on us. There was nothing we could do. He bared his teeth and barked like a dog at a manager who tried to pry him away from his keyboard.”

 Knowledgeable sources advised this reporter that two leading personal injury law firms have contacted the victim’s family urging them to file a death-by-email wrongful death lawsuit. Experts in the field say this landmark case could involve a claim for between $3.5 and $5 million dollars.

I have a very real concern that this scenario is likely to unfold in the near future and, more distressing, that I might be the guy who goes bat crap crazy. I conservatively estimate that I receive an e-mail every five to ten minutes throughout the day. I catch myself muttering in frustration all too often and entertaining violent thoughts about my computer.

So here is my ask. Make this post go viral to raise awareness of this issue that no one wants to talk about. Together we can defeat the e-mail mania that has infected the working world.

There is no time to waste. Tomorrow anyone one of us could fall victim to e-mail inflicted SEHS and become a sad metaphor for the signature threat of the digital age.

Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog.

~ Subscribe to Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2. Instructions for subscribing are provided in the Subscribe to this Blog: How To instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

Tags:   · · · · No Comments