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Knee Patches, Fish Guts and the Back of the Closet

April 7th, 2018 by Michael Dyet

Hmmm, is there a statute of limitations on the age of clothing?

The morning radio show I listen to on the way to work had a special guest this week talking about what is in and what is out in women’s fashion. It was entirely Greek to me. Speaking on behalf of all men, I must state that we cannot wrap our minds around why women need to buy a complete new set of clothes once or even twice a year every year.

I realize that I am treading on thin ice here. Who am I to criticize what makes another person feel good? Fair enough. But I feel compelled to explain to women that men’s clothing also has seasonality, although in a much different way. There are three distinct seasons that apply.

Season #1: Wear It in Public

This seasons kicks in the moment an article of clothing is purchased regardless of whether or not said item is in style. It continues to be in effect as long as that item of clothing is in good condition. The Wear It in Public season can last anywhere from three to five years at the sole discretion of the owner and takes no account of the number of times the item has been worn.

Season #2: Wear It at Home

This season takes effect when the item of clothing begins to show some signs of wear. The colour may have faded. A button or two may be missing or replaced with unmatched ones. The knees may have patches.

The rationale for Wear It at Home season is that only family will see you so minor signs of wear are inconsequential. The garment in fact has reached that much desired and comfortable lived-in state. No need to worry about spilling something on it. Wear It at Home season again can last anywhere from three to five years at the sole discretion of the owner.

Season #3: Wear It to Go Fishing

We men are willing to concede that at a certain point a garment reaches a lived-in state which women of the household can no longer tolerate seeing. We do not understand this feeling, but we reluctantly concede to it.

At this point, the garment retires to the Wear It to Go Fishing season. The fine art of fishing requires that we be ultra-comfortable and totally unconcerned with what may happen to what we are wearing. Fish gut stains just add to the item’s character. Wear It to Go Fishing season can last anywhere from five to ten years. Basically, it if isn’t falling off of us, it is still good.

And finally, we men reserve the right to have three items of clothing in the back of our closet of indeterminate age and in an advanced state of wear. These are our comfort clothes which we need at the ready for those days when everything is going wrong and we must retreat into our psychological man-cave.

And so, what hat in hand and my heart on my sleeve, I declare the three seasons of men’s clothing as an inalienable right of the male of the species.

Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog.

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