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The Metaphor Guy Declares for the Fall Federation Election

May 17th, 2019 by Michael Dyet

Hmmm, can I count on your support for my campaign run for 24 Sussex Drive?

I do not particularly like to talk politics. The political arena strikes me as a three ring circus where each politician competes to be the main act and does her/her utmost to undermine everyone else on a daily basis.

But there is no avoiding the fact that we are headed toward a federal election this fall. The Conservatives are already flinging mud with their “Justin Trudeau Not as Advertised” ad campaign. Trudeau’s first volley seems to be an attempt to curry pubic favour with a Digital Charter to reign in tech giants like Facebook Google and Amazon. 

According to the Toronto Star, this charter “will outline the government’s expectations on issues such as data ownership, privacy protections and the online dissemination of hate — and Trudeau said the government is considering meaningful financial penalties for companies that break the rules”.

There will be an endless barrage of such promises, as well as self-righteous accusations and vitriol, over the coming months. I am tempted to dig a hole in the ground and hide out until the whole mess wraps up and the successful party crows like a rooster.

However, I have decided instead to enter the election race and run for the office of Prime Minister. I am declaring no political affiliation, being equally disenchanted with all parties, and will run as an independent candidate. If elected, I promise to implement the following legislation:

Buck-An-Insult Jar Law: All politicians will be subject to a one dollar fine each and every time they say something nasty about an opposing party member. The clink of looneys dropping into the insult jar will be thunderous. By my calculations, the proceeds should eliminate the federal deficit within one year.

15 Minutes of Silence Law: All elected politicians will be required to wear an electronic device that detects fraudulent speech or behaviour and delivers an electric shock to the wearer. The shock will be enough to render the wearer mute for 15 minutes – a fate worse than death for most politicians.

Three Promises Law: Party leaders will be limited to three promises in each election campaign. No exceptions. If elected, the party leader will be required to deliver fully on each of the three promises in their first term in office. Failure to do so will carry two penalties:

  • Ejection from office with no MP pension.
  • Requirement to wear for the next four years a sandwich board that reads Kick Me Where It Hurts.

I recognize that I will be a dark horse candidate. It will require an all-out grassroots movement to propel me to victory. But I promise I will not ride the coattails of anyone even though I may be viewed as a sacrificial lamb.

Call me The Metaphor Candidate. Can I count on your support?

Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is also the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at

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