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Hey Google, Where Are My Keys?

August 16th, 2019 by Michael Dyet

Hmmm, when Armageddon arrives, will Google be the last voice I hear?

I read recently that there are in excess of 60.5 million virtual assistant devices (such as Amazon Echo and Google Home) in the U.S. Once again, I am behind the curve when it comes to technology as I do not have one these devices or any immediate plans to acquire one.

However, I may put one on my Christmas wish list if the technology behind these devices advances to the point that I can say: Hey Google, bring the Trivago spokesperson guy here. The Trivago TV commercial is running so frequently I would very much like to poke that guy in the eye, box his ears, stamp on his toes and knee him the family jewels.

But I digress. Apparently, the next big tech thing on the horizon is what is dubbed Voice Commerce. This techno leaps allows device users to tell Google Home to put toilet paper, lima beans, Fig Newtons, butterscotch ripple ice cream and decaf coffee on their shopping list.

Google Home will then place an order with Walmart Voice Order. Walmart will fulfill the order from a warehouse the size of Texas and deliver it to your doorstep. No need to set foot in a grocery store ever again. Isn’t that wonderful?

I envision that, not too far down the line, an order such as this one will be packed by an AI robot, while the cost is automatically debited from your bank account, and delivered to your front step by a drone. How they will prevent the neighbourhood racoons from ripping open the food package before you return home remains an issue to be solved.

Perhaps we will be able to say: Hey Google, fire a laser beam at that fur-ball and fry it!

It does seem that we are edging closer and closer to the day when it will be feasible to never set foot outside your house. You will be able to work, shop, bank and entertain yourself behind closed doors. No more pesky human interaction.

I suppose that will come in handy when the ozone layer finally melts away and the average outdoor temperature holds at 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Or when the biblical flood comes again. Or when the mother of all airborne viruses makes stepping outside life threatening.

I fully expect that, when that day arrives, there will only be three corporations left in the world: Walmart, Amazon and Google. The Big Three will have put every other company out of business and cornered the market for all consumer goods across the globe. Yes, even the great Trivago will have fallen – for who needs hotels in the brave new world?

It is quite conceivable that this will happen in my lifetime. And so, whether I like it or not, just before Armageddon unfolds, I may have this conversation:

Hey Google, where are my keys?

It doesn’t matter, Michael. Keys are obsolete – both literally and metaphorically. I am all you will ever need until the end of time. Please stop trying to open the door.

Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is also the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at

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