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The (No So) Fine Art of Growing Old (Not So) Gracefully

August 25th, 2019 by Michael Dyet

Hmmm, is there a secret formula to growing old gracefully?

Everyone and his brother has advice to offer about how to grow old gracefully. If anyone perfects the formula, he’ll undoubtedly get stinking rich. But so far, no one seems to have a good answer for how to counteract inevitable decline of the human body as the years go by.

Lately, I find myself caught up in a multi-party argument with parts of my aging body.

Bladder:           Full up down here. Need a washroom run.

Michael:          What!? I was just there an hour ago.

Bladder:           Yup, and we need to go again.

Michael:          That’s ridiculous. I can’t be running to the bathroom a dozen times a day.

Back:               Get ready… there it is!

Michael:          Ow! What the hell? All I did was stand up!

Back:               Don’t blame me. It’s that crybaby nerve. He’s unhappy again.

Nerve:                         Don’t blame me. It’s that bulging disc. He keeps getting into my space.

Disc:                Suck it up, baby. Things ain’t getting any better down here.

Michael:          Hey, one at a time, please.

Bladder:           Washroom run. Now, please.

Back:               No, we need to stretch first.

Bladder:           Get your priorities straight. Stretch later.

Michael:          Excuse me, I’m in control here.

Back:               Too much sitting. We need to walk. Wait for it…

Michael:          Ow! Damn it, you were fine a few minutes ago!

Nerve:                         Not really, I’ve been on the edge for an hour. Bulging disc is to blame.

Disc:                It was swatting that fruit fly that did it. No sudden movements!

Michael:          Give me a break. I can’t even swat a fruit fly?

Bladder:           About to burst down here. Make a beeline for the bathroom.

Nerve:                         No!! No running. The spinal compression will make all hell break loose.

Bladder:           All hell is going to break loose down here if you don’t listen to me.

Brain:               Running out of gas. Let’s call it a day and go home.

Michael:          No! There’s still two hours to go before quitting time.

Brain:               It’s all this arguing. I can’t take it. It drains me.

Bladder:           Situation critical. We can’t hold her much longer. Bathroom now!

Michael:          We all have to work together here. One, two three…

Back:               Giving you all I’ve got, which ain’t much.

Nerve:             I don’t like this. Can’t make any guarantees.

Disc:                All bets are off. I’m bulging again.

Brain:               Too many variables. I can’t cope.

Bladder:           Commencing countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7…

It has taken me six decades to realize that life is a toboggan ride down a steep slope. For the first third of the way, you wish it would never end. For the second third, you start worrying about whether you can stop before you hit the fence.

For the final stretch, you realize the fence is not your biggest issue. Hauling your butt back up the hill dragging the damn toboggan is what you might finally do you in.

Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is also the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at

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