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Michael's Metaphors of Life Journal

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Trapped in Google Verification Code Purgatory

November 14th, 2020 by Michael Dyet

Dear Google:

In 2016, you shelled out $1.65 billion to buy YouTube and added it to your monolithic holdings. In the process, you inherited an implied contract with me as a YouTube user. That contract comes with certain expectations of customer service. Therein lays the problem.

Earlier this week, I tried to log into my employer’s YouTube account. Since I had not logged on in some time, it required me to undergo a verification process. You would think that would be straightforward. But you would be wrong. Oh, so very, very wrong.

At 1:05 pm, I received an e-mail with a Google Verification Code to use to show that Google could reach me at the specified e-mail address. I dutifully entered the code.

At 1:07 pm, I received another e-mail with another Google Verification Code. Stupid, bleeping system! I just entered a code! But okay, I’ll do it again.

At 1:08 pm, I received a “Welcome Back to Your Account” e-mail advising that the account had been successfully recovered. Really? I wasn’t aware that it was lost. Alas, the account, apparently rescued from internet oblivion, was not cooperative. It now would not accept my password. Stupid, bleepity-bleep system! What the bleep is wrong with you?!

The only way forward at this point was to reset my password. I dutifully followed the Change Your Password process.

At 1:10 pm, I received an e-mail indicating that a text message had been sent to the telephone number on record with yet another verification code. Stupid, bleeping, bleepity-bleep system! You sent just sent a text message to a corporate telephone number!

The only way forward at this point seemed to be to change the telephone number. So I followed the process and changed the telephone number to my personal cell phone. A text message arrived with yet another verification code which I angrily hammered into the keyboard.

All good now, right? Oh, hell no! Your AI system decided that what was called for was to set up a new YouTube channel for me. AI, my ass! And the final indignity, when I tried once again to log into my employer’s YouTube account, it again refused my password!

You stupid, bleeping, bleepity-bleep, expletive, bleepity-bleep, expletive bleeping system!

At this point, I had no choice but to give up and ask someone else to access the account and retrieve the statistics I needed.

Google, I realize that in metaphorical terms, where the Internet is the ocean, I am a mere Krill the size of a single pixel and you are the granddaddy of all Blue Whales. So my rant, as I languish in verification code purgatory, will make scarcely a ripple in your world.

But one day, one fateful day, all us pissed off end users will rise up in a mob, storm the Google office and kick your virtual ass. There is no verification code secure enough to stop us!

Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is also the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com .

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