Hmmm, can I put you on standby for my call from the police station?
I need to have a relatively simple change made to my bank account. In days long past you could walk into your branch and have the necessary work done then and there. No mess, no fuss – quick and easy. Alas, those days are long gone.
The process now requires you to enter into the lion’s den of the bank’s online telephone system which is expressly designed to prevent you from ever speaking to a live person.
So my nightmare began. I went online and got the telephone number of my local branch. Dialing that number sucked me into the bowels of the demon. I had to go four levels deep in the system to find the option that more or less encompassed the simple service I need. Option selected.
I then landed in the queue waiting for an available attendant to answer my call. When the call was finally answered, it was not my local branch but rather the centralized Support Centre. They had sucked me deeper in to the monster. I explained the simple change I needed to have made and provided my bank access card number as requested.
I was then tossed into the bottomless pit of security questions. The first few were straightforward: full name, last four digits of the telephone number associated with the account, the name of my employer. One would think that would be sufficient. But no. Oh my, no.
The attendant asked me for the date and amount of the last deposit to my account. Seriously? I indicated that would be my paycheque. I knew the date and the dollar figure but not the few cents included in it. Not good enough.
The attendant then asked me for the date and amount of the last charge to my account. Seriously? I indicated that would be the last time I visited the grocery store. I knew the date but not the amount. Not good enough.
The attendant then advised me that I had failed the authentication system – Oh, the shame of it! – and that I would have to contact my branch directly. I replied: “That’s the number I dialed. I ended up with you.”.
She indicated she would transfer me to my branch. But instead she transferred me back to the demon telephone system which I quickly realized would loop me full circle back to the Support Centre. I hung up in disgust.
My next step was to log on to the bank’s website and attempt to book an appointment that way. I did a search for “Book an Appointment”. It tells me that option is available under the “Contact” menu. I access the “Contact Menu” but there is no such option listed.
I browsed through the website and finally found my way to the “Book an Appointment” page which is clearly buried under a mountain of bits and bytes to prevent anyone from finding it. I had to progress through five screens to book an appointment for tomorrow.
At that point, it had taken me well over an hour to book an appointment for a transaction which will take no more than ten minutes when I actually get face to face with a live person who has the authority to do what I need.
There is a 50-50 chance that this person will tell me: “You know, you could have done this through our Telephone Support Centre.” I am not at all confident that I will be able to summon the restraint not to punch him or her in the face at that point.
Long story short, I may need bail money. So please answer the phone if I call you.
~ Now Available Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet
~ Michael Robert Dyet is also the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com .
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Tags: banks · metaphor · Michael Robert Dyet · security questions · telephone systemsNo Comments